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  1. You know what Scotch is. It’s not something you go to a bar and order.  You often find yourself shouting, “IT’S A CATEGORY OF WHISKY” when someone on TV orders it.
  2. You also know it’s superior to all other categories of Whisky, no matter how hard they may try, Scotch will forever be the best.
  3. You know the difference between single malts and blends and you take great joy educating people on the subtleties of taste between them.
  4. You cannot tolerate ice in your whisky  (said tongue-in-cheek).
  5. Even worse, your blood boils at thought of coke and Whisky (said tongue-in-cheek).
  6. You appreciate the practicalities of a tulip glass for more than just its ability to hold your drink.
  7. You scoff at Don Draper’s drinking habits. He is not a true appreciator of Whisky.
  8. Being able to correctly pronounce and spell Bunnahabhain and Laphroaig are two of your biggest successes in life.
  9. In fact you basically speak Gaelic considering all the strange names of Whiskies and distilleries you have to pronounce.
  10. You know the main Scotch regions and their flavour profiles…
  11. …and the fact that Campbeltown is one too.
  12. You eagerly debate the regions but you know Islay is the best. Speyside is too popular.  It needs taken down a notch.
  13. You have an opinion on chill filtration and NAS and nothing makes you happier than explaining these opinions and why you are definitely right.
  14. You know what a cooper is. You think they’re pretty cool.
  15. Who needs heating when you have Whisky?
  16. Michael Jackson is more than the King of Pop.
  17. You have posters of Charles MacLean and Dave Broom on your bedroom wall.
  18. You squeal like a 12-Year-Old at a One Direction concert at the thought of meeting your favourite distillers.
  19. You appreciate a good leg.
  20. You know what kind of legs No. 19 is referring to.
  21. You keep a daily journal but it’s filled with tasting notes of all your favourite drams. It is your best friend.
  22. The feeling of joy you get when your tasting notes match with Charles’s or Dave’s is incomparable to any other feeling of happiness.
  23. The Oak tree is your favourite and you exactly what the different types are and where they come from. But you would not hesitate to cut one down if you knew a local cooper.
  24. You burn peat on your fire and imagine you’re a real Whisky distiller.
  25. You scoff and do not hide your judgement when people ask if Whisky ages in the bottle.
  26. Water is your friend. But only in small doses that must be measured exactly to bring out the best flavours.
  27. Your retirement fund is a Whisky barrel maturing somewhere in Scotland.
  28. You wish you were Scottish. If you are Scottish, you lord it over other Whisky lovers.
  29. Any recipe that requires a spirit of some kind can be massively improved by only using Whisky as that s
  30. Your blood turned to Scotch a long time ago. Doctors are baffled.

 


Also published on Medium.

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